99 BonMots of Kim On The Wall
by SHADO Commander
Summary: A whopping collection of 99.5 short, silly and frequently very twisted tales for those moments when you need a bit o' Kimness, right this very minute. Warning: not for the humor impaired or those who adhere strictly to cannon. KiGo, KiRon, KiBo, ElMo, etc
1. Intro & Sixteen KimDles

**Author's Note:** A little while back I started a challenge over on the Haven, thinking it would be a quick and silly bit of fun. The restrictions were simple… tell a complete story using a maximum of two paragraphs, each composed of no more than one line of dialog and one line of descriptive text. A classic two-liner. However, besides being the source of some hilarious creations by a number of writers, I've also personally found that the challenge has turned out to be a great writing exercise, both in forcing oneself to come up with new ideas rapidly and then finding ways to tell the tale as efficiently as possible while within a very rigid and limited structure. As a result, I've since found myself knocking them out pretty quickly… something that short can be written on a phone, after all. I had composed and published a collection of 12 of these uber short-shorts as the third chapter of **Even Odder- The Second OmKimbus **under the title **TWELVE ANGRY KIMS**, but as I started to put together a second collection, I realized that I had already written enough for TWO more... and at that pace it seemed clear that the rest of that **OmKimbus** could end up being nothing but two-liners unless I found some other place to put them.

So, instead of filling up **Even Odder**, I've opted to go a slightly different route and give myself a challenge – attempting to fill this 'story' with a minimum of 99 Two Liners. Some are silly, some are raunchy, and the really wrong ones will periodically go in their own chapters… like the Chapter right after this one for example. Hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy writing them. (Legal stuff at bottom)

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**99 BON-MOTS OF KIM ON THE WALL**

(A collection of just under one hundred short but disturbed tales of the KimiVerse)

By SHADO Commander

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CHAPTER ONE

**SIXTEEN KIM-DLES**

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1

After a long day ferrying her sons between school, soccer and the advanced model rocketry club, where they had somehow destroyed Mrs. Gulch's barn, then coming home to find that Kim had left unconscious henchmen sprawled all over the front lawn and had a supervillain temporarily locked in the upstairs bathroom, Ann Possible was finally ready for a little snuggling with her hubby… but first: "Darling, tell me those three little words that make me the happiest woman alive."

James Possible smiled as they went through the same little ritual they went through every night before getting intimate, leaning in to whisper in his softest voice to his beloved wife: "I'm vasectomized, dearest."

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2

Monique looked at the blonde across the table sadly. "I'm sorry, Tara, but while everything else on your application to work here at Club Banana looked wonderful, you DID fail our drug test."

Stunned and confused, the cheerleader blinked in shock. "But… but I was up cramming for it all night!"

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3

Mr. Barkin laid the English teacher's class planner down on the Principal's desk with a look of exasperation. "As you can see, I was just following the class notes per Ms. Blonk's instructions, so if Possible, Rockwaller and the other female students have complaints about how I handled the Women In Literature class, they need to take it up with her."

Principal S. Lacking looked carefully at the entry indicated by Barkin's fat thumb, then looked back up at the school's permanent substitute. "Barkin… that says _POP Test_, not _PAP test_."

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4

"Okay, I'll do it one more time, but I don't think it can be healthy," Kim sighed, switching the rechargeable device back on and leaning in towards Ron.

"That is the wrong sickest thing I've ever seen," Wade agreed, his eyes bulging as Kim pressed the running hairdryer tightly against her best friend since pre-K's left ear, while the handkerchief she was holding next to his right fluttered rapidly in the resulting breeze.

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5

A perplexed Electronique stared across the barrier at Doctor Director, who had come immediately upon learning that the newly freed (and still modulated) former villain had been arrested again. "But vhy vas I arreshted vhen I vas schimply helpink zat schrtranded motorisht, jusht as anyvun else vould haf done?"

Doctor Director looked back at the blushing Officer Hobbie and blushed herself, realizing once again that the super-powered simply didn't think like the average woman on the street. "The thing is, dear, that most people wouldn't have taken off their shirt and bra on the side of a busy freeway in order to jump start a car's battery with their own positive and negative poles…"

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6

Kim grinned at Ann, the latter displaying the magnificent form that had placed her in the Olympic finals in her youth, as their rocket-skis propelled them out of Dementor's exploding fortress of ice with only a second to spare. "I'm so glad you could find someone to fill in for you, Mom, 'cause this second mother-daughter mission has been spanking!"

Sweating profusely, Mr. Barkin looked from the shaved head in front of him and back to the instruction manual in his hand, wondering if, perhaps, this time he had bit off more than even he could chew. "Let's see, cut from the top and then remove shaded portion along dotted line…"

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7

Standing amid the stack of clobbered henchmen after the ridiculously easy defeat of Drakken's latest scheme, it took Kim as few seconds to pull her own jaw off the floor before she could demand further explanation from the blue fiend. "What do you mean, Shego doesn't work here anymore?"

The defeated, dejected and downright depressed Doctor looked at her sadly. "She turned in her notice after she got a hundred-million dollar Federal Green Energy grant to study herself."

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8

The teenager was adamant. "I'm sorry ma'am, but rules are rules and I can't let you in for half price, no matter what the reason."

"Oh, fine… but I still say it's a ripoff," Dr. Betty Director swore as she paid the theater's outrageous full price for 3D movie tickets so she could join her friends already inside.

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9

"So, let me get this straight… if there IS something I know that you don't know, and it's of sufficient interest to you, then you'll be willing forgo your usual fee and just give me the information I want?" Kim Possible waited for Big Daddy Brotherson to nod 'yes' to her query before standing up and reaching over the massive information broker's enormous back to remove the small sheet of paper that had been taped there.

"Right, one freebie coming up," Brotherson agreed, making a note to run a full analysis on the "Kick Me" sign even though he was fairly sure he recognized Shego's handwriting.

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10

The funeral for Rufus was lovely, but Kim couldn't help but feel that Ron would never be the same again. "I know you'll miss him, but it was a freak accident and I don't think he would have wanted you to quit because of this."

A despondent Ron merely shook his head, having already turned in his notice that morning. "No KP, someone who leaves their best friend too close to the automated burrito wrapping machine doesn't deserve to work at Bueno Nacho."

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11

"Oooo yeah!" Ron groaned as the kink that had been in his shoulder ever since his last tussle with Monkey Fist FINALLY unknotted. "That's really working! How did you ever think of that?"

"Oh... it just sorta... came to me," Kim replied, glad Ron couldn't see the flush on her face as she ran the vibrating back of her hairdryer - set on 'cool' - slowly up and down his back with practiced experience.

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12

Kim wrinkled her nose as she saw that her mother was preparing Brain loaf AGAIN! "You know Mom, I understand that you like to save every bit you can for a 'rainy day,' but I've already got a half dozen scholarship offers and I don't think the Tweebs will be hurting, so couldn't we have steaks on occasion instead of meat loaf?"

"Oh, it never hurts to be thrifty, dear," Ann Possible smiled, sliding dinner into the oven for the final browning and imagining how her daughter would react on the day Kim finally figured out that it wasn't really so much a _'loaf'_ or _'meat'_ as a _'reconstruction'_ pieced together from leftovers Anne brought home from work.

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13

"But Kim… if your mom's Brain Loaf… is made of REAL brains… and it comes from where you think it does, what are you going to do?" Kim felt as green as nauseous as her friend Wade had looked since scanning the sample that she'd snuck into her napkin, but her tech guru had raised a fully fledged bastard of a good point.

"If I don't want mom to go to jail for… like forever… I guess I'll have to keep eating it, and pretend I don't know," Kim's stomach roiled at the thought, but even if her mom WAS crazy, she was STILL her mom… it was evidence that HAD to be disposed of, and… well… in the end she just couldn't keep from thinking that... a mind WAS a terrible thing to waste.

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14

Bonnie Rockwaller smiled reassuringly at the other members of the Prom committee. "Oh no, there's no need for any volunteers; the people I hired to set up the gym for the Prom have guaranteed to have everything set up exactly like the set of a Hollywood movie."

Of course, the other members of the committee might have been a little less reassured if they knew what Bonnie was thinking. _"And if Kim wins and I lose, the bucket of pigs' blood will already be perfectly positioned and waiting over the stage."_

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15

As far as Monique was concerned, the costumes at the KP cast Halloween Party had been completely and totally predictable this year; Drakken had come as a Smurf, Senor Senior Junior as Himself, Betty Director as a Pirate, Kim and Shego as each other, Senor Senior Senior as Khan and Monkey Fist as Al Pacino… and then it all changed. "Okay, I give, who are YOU supposed to be?"

Completely naked except for the old steel colander on her head, the red galoshes on her feet and the giant banana and dustbuster that she held in each hand, Tara shrugged. "I don't know, but everyone keeps telling me that it's the best Halloween Costume ever!"

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16

"Shego! What in the blue blazes happened to you?" Drakken gasped in shock as his green henchwoman staggered in the door after what was supposed to be a quick trip to steal some computer cables.

Now, wearing a pink t-shirt with the logo "I Love Kim" stenciled amid a field of red hearts across the chest, her normally black hair now green and styled like an anime character's and visibly at least four months pregnant, the paler-than usual villaness shuddered visibly. "I took a wrong turn and stepped in a fanfic."

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_**Ye Old Legal stuff:**__ Kim Possible, Shego, Ron Stoppable, Monique, Bonnie Rockwaller, Mr. Barkin, Electronique, Officer Hobbie, DNAmy, Big Daddy Brotherson, Rufus, Wade Load, Dr. Director, Tara, Senor Senior Sr. and Junior, Drs. Ann and James Possible, the Tweebs and all other characters borrowed from the wonderful KP Universe are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Although use in this context may be considered fair under parody law, just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. Also, this story takes place at a time at which all characters shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18…_


	2. 15 Kims on a Shego's Chest

_**AN: And 31! But a word of warning, this chapter fully deserves the M rating! Legal at bottom!**_

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CHAPTER 2

**FIFTEEN KIMS ON A SHEGO'S CHEST**

(Yo ho ho and a bottle of Wrong!)

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1

As one, the entire cheer team… and everyone in the stadium… turned and stared at Tara, who took in all their expressions and, like a deer in the headlights, managed to eek out an incredibly tiny little "what?"

Bonnie took the bull by the horns. "Tara, the cheer is 'Let's trash 'em, Mad Dog Style,' NOT 'Let's do it Mad Doggy style!'"

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2

"And then, Shego, with my amazing Futa beam, I'll give Kim Possible a penis, making her a social outcas… now what in the blazes?" Drakken's bravado abruptly went limp as the Phallus Propagation ray (or P.P. for short) that he had been proudly displaying suddenly petered out, emitting nothing except a tiny putzing sound as the puzzled inventor inverted the weapon and stared down the shaft with a baffled expression.

The big bang that followed was almost inevitable, and as Shego stared at the aftermath of the amazing colossal boner that her now radically altered employer had just pulled, there really was only one thing that she could possibly say: "Way to go, Dickhead."

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3

"What do you mean, you understand now why DNAmy's so fixated on Monkey Fist?" Ron asked Kim while they went through the evidence left behind in the villainess' latest lair.

Kim's face was green as she looked up from the crazed geneticist's journal. "Because this is a record of his operation, and his real full villain name is apparently Monkey Fist, Donkey..."

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4

Justine Flanner stared dumbfounded at the woman who had not only had the temerity to interrupt her explanation of a complex physics equation, and the gall to point out an 'error," but had the even more irritating virtue of being CORRECT! "We went to school together and I don't remember you ever getting anything higher than a C, so how could you have possibly known that?

"Because in High School I was a C student who slept with the entire football,  
baseball, soccer and chess teams, AND both my math and science tutors," Hope replied with a wink.

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5

"But why won't you come to the pool hall with us?" Henchman #17 asked plaintively.

Ignoring the obvious answer that the current batch of Henches were all losers, Shego rolled her eyes and decided to be honest as she counted off the REAL reasons: "Because every time I do, I end up getting drunk, getting naked, falling asleep on the pool table and waking up with an 8-ball in my 'corner pocket' because some drunk cowboy didn't notice me lying there!"

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6

Senor Senior Senior smiled in admiration at the numbers displayed on the spreadsheet in front of him. "Brilliant and truly evil, my dear, but how did you ever come up with such a magnificently diabolical scheme?"

"Oh, I'd realized that she always wears the same type a long time ago, so it was easy for my partner to break into her locker every time Kim changed for cheer-leading practice and swap her old ones for new," Bonnie cackled evilly as she looked at the nearly ten million dollars she and Yori had made so far selling Kim's used panties to the Japanese Fanboy Market.

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7

Kim's forehead wrinkled as she puzzled over this latest mystery. "I don't get it Wade, why would someone have broken into every single hardware store in Middleton and only stolen the electric screwdrivers?"

"Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby rrrrrrrrrrrOH!" chorused a hundred bebes at once, having finally discovered what that that lower access panel that perv Drakken had installed was for… and SCREW conquering the world… Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"

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8

Kim stormed out of the ancient grind-house theater where she and Ron had gone to see HIS choice of a date movie, _Cannibal Bikini Girl Nude Car Wash of Blood and Severed Body Parts._"Ron, that was awful, the worst taste ever… what were you thinking?"

"Okay, okay, next time I'll remember to wash it before we go in!" Ron promised, almost falling flat on his as he hit door to the parking lot while still in the process of trying to zip up his pants.

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9

"Wh… what are you going to do with them?" Ron trembled, unable to believe that somehow Drakken had finally got the upper hand, mind-control chipping both Kim AND Shego.

With an evil grin, Drakken gestured to the large sex-toy littered bed in the middle of the room with the camera in his left hand. "Make a bazillion bucks with the hottest amateur lesbian video ever... KiGoing All The Way!"

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10

Shego's eyes snapped wide open as the knock-out drug wore off and she realized that she not only wasn't in the Global Justice holding cell that she had expected, but that her new jailer and predicament were scarily familiar. "Princess… why am I naked and manacled to a bed?"

Kim's smile was at once sublimely innocent and subtly terrifying… the later most likely having something to do with the metal studded black leather dominatrix gear that she was _almost _wearing. "Oh, that… well, it occurred to me that while I've always enjoyed banging the hell out of you, knocking you flat on your back and handcuffing you, I might really get off on it if I tried the process in reverse order."

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11

"I don't understand why they aren't making any sound," Tara frowned petulantly at her music instructor.

"That's because those aren't me bagpipe's that yee've been blowing on, lassie," 'Maestro' Duff Killigan returned with a satiated grin.

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12

Bonnie looked down at the VERY abbreviated new cheer uniforms that Kim had insisted they wear today. "I don't know… I think that weird green 'friend' of Kim's is giving her even weirder ideas."

"Well, I think they're awesome," Tara gushed next to her, admiring the way the polished metal studs on her black leather 'Mad Dog' leash and collar glittered in the light of the strange little off-grounds practice area that Kim had found… though she DID wonder about the whips on the wall.

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13

"Damn it, how could you have possibly lost ANOTHER doctor so soon?" Mego demanded of his big blue and almost completely un-insurable brother.

Hego drew himself up with all the haughtiness he could muster. "Hey, I didn't hurt this one, but he kind of freaked when he found the finger of the _last_ doctor who tried to check my prostate!"

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14

"Oh my God, what in the hell are you doing with my hairdryer?" Kim Possible screamed in horror.

"Go away, I don't need a girlfriend anymore," Ron drooled deliriously, having finally discovered that the pink device could work in reverse just as well as it could blow.

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15

Shego's glare attempted to shoot daggers, but the truth was that she was wearing down. "You know, I'm really getting tired of hearing how 'similar Kim and I are,' and how 'good the two of us would be together if we could just get over our personal issues.'"

The object of her glare simply grinned, leaned in close and lit the usual post-coital cigarette from her ear. "Hey babe, as someone who's done both of you repeatedly, I think the Ron-Man's speaking from a position of authority… and a three-way would be so BONE-diggity awesome!"

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_**Ye Old Legal stuff:**__ Kim Possible, Shego, Ron Stoppable, Bonnie Rockwaller, Dr. Drakken, Yori, Tara, Hope, Justine Flanner, DNAmy, Monkey Fist aka Lord Montgomery Fiske, Mego, Hego, Duff Killigan, Senor Senior Senior, the Bebes and all other characters borrowed from the wonderful KP Universe are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Although use in this context may be considered fair under parody law, just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. Also, this story takes place at a time at which all characters shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18…_


	3. Ten Things I Hate About Kim

**AN: Warning! This set gets a bit dark at times. **

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CHAPTER 3

**TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT KIM**

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1

"And once again, we have proof that Crime Does Not Pay in The End." Hego proclaimed as he stood above the fallen villain.

Dumbfounded, no one knew exactly what to say until one of the Wegos finally stood up and slapped his brother across the back of his thick skull with a hard soled dress shoe. "For gosh sakes, tone it down you ass… this is a funeral and Aviarius died of Bird Flu!"

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2

Kim had to laugh at her boyfriend's panicked expression."Oh, don't be ridiculous, Ron; my dad gives that silly 'launch into space' speech to all the boys, but there's no way he'd actually waste millions of the Space Center's funding doing that."

"That's right Kimmie-cub," James Possible smiled at Kim and the latest boy who threatened to soil his daughter, but as they walked out his expression grew thoughtful… there really wasn't any room left in the backyard or the basement, so where was he going to bury this one?

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3

The other cheer leaders' eyes were still boggling as, one by one, they each pulled out the twenty Kim had just won…. but at long last, Bonnie broke the silence. "If I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't have believed it."

"Hey, anything's possible for a Possible, especially when you've been in some of the nasty hellholes I've been in," The redhead blushed, quickly pulling her pants back up after finishing using the urinal standing from what the bettors had all agreed was a reasonable 'normal guy distance' of two feet.

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4

Kim looked around the table at her fellow graduating Global Justice trainees with growing suspicion in her eyes. "Wait a second… you mean NONE of the rest of you had to go through the MANDATORY 'Advanced Sexual Training for the Purpose of Espionage' course?"

"Yes… well, actually, Agent Possible, the MANDATORY part of that referred to my participation as instructor," Dr. Director replied smugly from the head of the table, a cat that had just eaten the cheerleader smile creeping across her sly lips.

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5

"Yeah, yeah, green bitch, shoots fire, it's no big," Kim informed the panicked policemen as she strode confidently forward.

"Or maybe not," She corrected herself, turning tail and running after the rest of the Japanese populace as Mrs. Godzilla came stomping around the corner looking for Minya.

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6

Hayden N. DeBushes, paparazzi and professional peeking Tom extraordinaire, laughed even as the two women he'd just caught exchanging favors and flavors (under the fictitious names of Ms. Zack and Miss Cody at the Tipton Hotel's infamous 'by the hour' vibra-bed suite) rose up to grab for the tool of his trade. "Sorry Misses Possible and Shego, but this is a ZapUrZipper camera with a built in satellite transmitter... which means those photos of the two of you getting to grips and lips a flagrante delicto are already being posted on Middleton Muckraker dot com, and there ain't nothing you can do about it!"

The grandfatherly man's eyes were gentle, but concerned. "Well, the bad news, Mister DeBushes, is that surgery is the only way to retrieve a ten pound camera from a foot and a half up your colon.. but the good news is that we won't have to do an endoscopy first because the pictures your office is sending us are fantastic!"

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7

"You'd think I'd have learned after all this time," Kim scolded herself as she checked out the latest battle damage.

"When you know someone's going to have you hanging strappado and in an ankle bar for the entire evening, don't tell them 'bite my ass' during cheer practice," she continued, wincing as she applied Mercurochrome to the multiple crescent Bonnie-marks now decorating her Possible Posterior.

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8

Glowing with an eerie yellow radiance, the resurrected Monkey Fist came towards Kim with death in his eyes. "It's been a long time, Kim Possible, but I think you'll find that my powers have increased exponentially since the last time we fought!"

"Yeah, and I think you'll find that I've learned a few things as well," Kim replied coolly, pulling out her Ruger SR40c and un-resurrecting him with three well placed rounds through his skull.

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9

Kim's face was hard, her eyes glowing in the darkness as she approached the control panel. "If there's one thing I've learned, it's that evil… true evil… is incredibly patient; it waits, hiding in the darkness, until it finds the perfect opportunity to strike."

Of course, Ron couldn't reply… it's hard to do that when your throat, and that of every other person guarding the Alpha-Omega Doomsday bomb site, had just been slit by a demon in a Centurion suit. "Even so, I can't believe you never caught on to the fact that when you turned Ms. Go back into Shego, you flipped ME as well."

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10

"After all this time, I can't believe it was this easy in the end!" Shego marveled as she slung the nude, gagged and bound form of Kim Possible over her shoulder, her green head already dancing with erotic visions of all the lewd, crude and most likely socially objectionable things she intended to indulge herself in once the drug that had been sneakily slipped into her Princess' soft drink began to wear off… ooooh yes!

"Well, as we say ma'am, you can get ANYTHING at **_SmartyMart_**, and if you need any more supplies for that dungeon of yours, just give our expert here a call," Martin Smarty grinned, popping the fifty million dollar check in the cash register with one hand as he proudly patted Ron Stoppable… _SmartyMart's Employee of the Year_ and probably no longer Kim Possible's best friend since pre-k…on the shoulder with the other.

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_**Ye Old Legal stuff:**__ Kim Possible, Shego, Ron Stoppable, Dr. James Possible, Bonnie Rockwaller, Doctor Director, The Middleton Cheerleaders, Monkey Fist, The Wegos, Hego, Aviarius, Martin Smarty and all other characters borrowed from the wonderful KP Universe are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Although use in this context may be considered fair under parody law, just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. Also, this story takes place at a time at which all characters shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18…_


	4. Twelve RonKeys

_AN: I'm popping up yet another pair of sets here, that's twenty one and a half new twisted tales between the two of them, bringing the grand total to 62… and a half. Why split this batch in two… well, obviously, none of these are really for the easily offended, but this set is pretty much "work safe" while the other… is not. No, seriously. There are some things you don't want someone accidentally reading over your shoulder. Legal stuff at bottom._

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CHAPTER FOUR

**TWELVE RON-KEYS**

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1

Ron crossed his arms and looked back at his friend in a huff. "Hey, I don't see what the big deal is… you started one once, so what's wrong with ME starting one?"

Kim glared back. "Because the fashion trend that _**I**_ accidentally started was just copies of my mission uniform, whereas because of _**you**_ losing your pants while rescuing Britina on the Fashionista's live TV show, I now have to endure seeing both our Dads, the tweebs, Mr. Barkin and even Senor Senior Sr. walking around all day with nothing from the waist down except their tighty whities!"

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2

Brick sighed and looked at the company recruiter. "Well, to be honest, my grades in college weren't very good but don't suppose the fact that I WAS a triple letterman and in a Greek Fraternity would make any difference?"

"As a matter of fact, in our particular case it would," the representative for the Worldwide Empire of Evil grinned, looking at his new prospective Epsilon.

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3

The big man looked across the table sadly. "But I just want to blend in with the rest of my fiance's family and feel a part of the common culture."

Rabbi Katz shook his head and smiled. "I can appreciate WHY you want to be circumcised Hego, but when it's already grown back twenty seven times, I think it's clear that we're fighting a losing battle."

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4

It was at times like this that even Ron found working at SmartyMart stressful. "Tara, we don't mind if you play games on the computers in our electronics department while you're waiting for Bonnie to have her tattoo removed in the body modifications section, but I can't let you do it like that."

"You mean there's _another_ way to play poker?" Tara blinked at him innocently, a good trick considering she'd already lost her top, bra and stockings to 'the house.'

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5

"RON!" Kim screamed.

Blushing, the other half of Team Possible looked down the ladder that they were descending on and waited for a disgusted Kim to toss back up his pants. "Okay, so maybe so today was a bad day to try free-balling!"

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6

"There's only one bit of information in the entire world that I don't know!" Big Daddy Brotherson declared proudly.

"Unfortunately, that would be exactly where my penis is," he added as looked down at his massive rolls of fat in frustration.

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7

Betty scowled at the furiously pacing and swearing green woman inside the fireproof... and fortunately soundproof... holding cell. "I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I should have had my damn tubes tied after Hego."

Next to her, the blue father of her children shrugged. "Oh, this little tantrum is nothing compared to what I see every day... I live in mortal terror of the day she discovers finally that we really ARE one big evil family and that Eddie's her cousin as well as mine."

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8

"So where have you been all week?" Monique queried Kim.

"Oh, just hanging around," Kim smiled, tucking her sleeves down so that Monique wouldn't notice the chaffing on her wrists from Shego's favorite manacles.

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9

Duff stared at his plate in shock, then back up to Ron Stoppable, then back again. "I canna believe it… that be the finest Haggis I ever dinna taste… and that's no clishmaclaiver!"

With a slightly guilty look, Ron made his own admission, "Well, actually… I kinda had a mix up with the ingredients … and what you just had was my Uncle Nate's deep fried colostomy bag."

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10

The attractive young reporter for the **Go City Go-zette **was so surprised that every other member Team Go pointed at Mego when she asked which member of the team had the best super power, that the best follow-up she could manage was to stammer out "But… why?"

One of the Wego's spoke for the group, counting off reasons on his fingers, "He never has to go on a diet to lose weight, he can buy his shoes and clothes small and they still always fit so he doesn't have to used changing rooms in stores, he's always comfortable in airline seats and has tons of leg room in any car or theater, he can be short enough to go the jumpoline and all the other kids rides at the fair and tall enough to go on the adult ones, pays kid prices for admissions to PG movies, can live for a month on a Kid's Meal and… he got a great view up your skirt when you first came in the room, which is how we all know you're not wearing panties."

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11

"It's not possible… YOU'RE the Supreme One?" Kim gasped while Ron's jaw simply fell to the floor as the met the ultimate ruler of Earth in this alternate history, the draconian dictator whose green-suited legions had subjected the entire adjacent galaxy.

The master of the universe merely sighed wearily. "Well, technically the real supreme one never showed, so they called me in to substitute and I've been stuck here ever since…. and I STILL have to work at SmartyMart on weekends to make ends meet."

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12

"You owe me a hundred dollars - signed A Better Sneak Than You?" Shego repeated the contents of the note incredulously, wondering what it had to do with the special marking pen and blacklight that had been left on her dressing table.

Still unsure of how Kim Possible could have entered this far into Drakken's most secret lair, the pale woman somehow managed to keep her temper in check as she walked around her room reading all the various insulting 'notes' the heroine had left on the walls and furniture of her private suite… but when she finally thought to turn the black light on herself, Shego completely lost it. "That's it, you're dead Possible… NOBODY writes 'Green Acres' on my ASS and lives!"

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_**Ye Old Legal stuff:**__ Kim Possible, Shego, Ron Stoppable, Bonnie Rockwaller, Dr. Drakken, Senor Senior Senior, Britina, Mr. Barkin, Rufus, Tara, the Tweebs, Duff Killigan, Monique, Brick Flagg, Motor Ed, Dr. Betty Director, the Fashionistas, Rabbi Katz, Big Daddy Brotherson, Hego, Mego and the Wegos of Team Go and all other characters borrowed from the wonderful KP Universe are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Although use in this context may be considered fair under parody law, just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. Also, this story takes place at a time at which all characters shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18…_


	5. Nine and a Half Kims

_AN:First, if you hit the little symbol from the main menu, be aware that I put this chapter and the previous one at the same time. I've noticed from the hit counts that some folks seem to be coming in to just this one.  
_

_Second, most of these are wrong. I mean really, REALLY wrong. They just barely slide inside the M guidelines and I have no excuse for them. Except they make me laugh. And there really is a half one. Literally. _

_Read at your own risk. Legal At Bottom… _

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CHAPTER FIVE

**NINE AND A HALF WRONG-SICKS**

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1

Senor Senior Junior looked at the green woman in disappointment. "I am sorry you don't do not… how you say… _'do cakes,'_ as my father finds you quite attractive and my budget for his present is one billion dollars."

Peering out of the hollow cake shell, Shego double checked her 'to-do' list with her boss for the day. "Okay, so I pop out of the cake, do a striptease and a lapdance, and if the old guy is still breathing, a little French polishing, right?"

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2

Back in his own skin again, Ron smiled at his equally restored best friend since pre-K. "Well, I think we came out of that body switch sitch pretty well, don't you KP?"

Kim was not as cheerful. "Besides those nude pictures of me that suddenly appeared on the internet, the bouquets of flowers from Brick, Josh and Shego that arrived this morning, and the fact that my hymen's mysteriously gone, you mean?"

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3

Tara's face was troubled. "Gosh, Bonnie, it's great that your dad's friend is offering me a job, but I don't think I'm qualified."

Bonnie looked at her sometimes slow on the uptake friend with an exasperated smile, "Don't worry, I interned with Mr. Wheeler last year… just buy a good set of kneepads and a purse big enough to carry a full bottle of mouthwash and you'll be able to handle all the requirements of being his Head Secretary, no problem."

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4

Jack Hench watched in amazement as the brazen young woman slid underneath the table, continuing to make her pitch over the unzipping sound and what followed. "Now, you understand Mister Hench, that I've already initiated the necessary motions and could fill this gap using my own resources… but I'd really prefer to have an older, more distinguished partner, and as you can see by this spreadsheet, I believe your market penetration will go up dramatically if you'll agree to enter into the deal I'm offering."

One year later, Forbes Businesswoman of the year Bonnie Rockwaller and the co-founder of WENCHCO, gave this useful bit of advice to other young women starting out in business: "It's vital to know how far you're willing to go, what you're willing to do and when an oral agreement is binding, but most importantly, when an opportunity comes up, you have to be ready to take the bull by the horn."

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5

Kim's smile was shy but genuine. "You know, I think its so wonderful that, after all the issues we've had, we're finally going to be able to just sit down and really get to know each other."

"Mmmghmp!" Bonnie replied, eyes bulging in panic as she saw the riding crop in the other girl's hands, but unable to say much more given that she'd been gagged, bound and hanging upside down in Kim's closet for the last six hours.

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6

After the 'incidents' had increased to nine times in the current month alone, Kim finally decided to open up about her problem to her best friend since pre-k. "I don't know what's wrong with me Ron, I keep having these weird black outs and waking up with these strange pains, um… in a personal spot."

A sweaty Ron creased his brows in apparent sympathy "Gosh, that's terrible Kim, let me have Ruffie, I mean RUFUS, get you another nice cool drink."

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7

"I… I think I broke her," Shego gibbered to Dr. Drakken, hoping he could somehow help fix her favorite toy.

Meanwhile, Kim continued her mad rant as she dangled from the restraints on the stone dungeon wall, singing at the top of her lungs: "One Kim Possible up on the wall, One Kim Possible here, If this Kim Possible should happen to fall… nope, I'm still up here on the wall... One Kim Possible up on the wall, One Kim Possible here, if this Kim Possibles should happen to fall… nope, I'm still up here on the wall... One Kim Possible up on the wal…."

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8

"Go Bonnie, Go Bonnie!" The cheerleaders chanted, their plan to raise funds by setting a number of new world records in jeopardy now that only Kim and Bonnie still looked to have any chance of breaking their chosen records.

At then Bonnie once again found herself playing second best, and it wasn't even her fault because she was BREAKING the record until Tara re-checked the stupid book and spoiled everything: "Oh wait Bonnie, this Guinness record is for the person who can shoot the most ping pong balls across a room with their MOUTH!"

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8 1/2

"Oh snap," the young Drew Lipsky (and future Dr. Drakken) peeped, learning the hard way why it was a bad idea to sneak into the Cryogenics Lab's CryoFreeze Chamber to masturbate.

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9 1/2

_"I'm going to kill her,"_Kim swore… it being one thing to play the kinky sub and dom games that they both enjoyed, but rather than letting Kim go when it was HER turn, Shego had instead wheeled both her and the table she was strapped on out of the villainess' bedroom in the lair and into the main work area, where the teen hero's naked, ball-gagged and leather-strapped form was now the subject of stunned amazement by a hundred gape-jawed Henchmen in masks and a very aroused looking Dr. Drakken.

Now dressed in a skimpy 'Elvira' outfit, Shego only grinned as she finished dripping a few last drops of hot wax over Possible's quivering naked breasts, then carefully positioned the candle so that six inches of the still burning end protruded between Kim's spread open legs. "Sorry, love, but its Halloween and I promised everyone that I'd bring a Pumpkin for the costume party centerpiece."

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_**Ye Old Legal stuff:**__ Kim Possible, Shego, Ron Stoppable, Bonnie Rockwaller, Dr. Drakken, Senor Senior Junior, Rufus, Tara, The Middleton Mad Dog Cheerleaders, Jack Hench, Vinnie Wheeler, the Henchco Henchmen and all other characters borrowed from the wonderful KP Universe are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Although use in this context may be considered fair under parody law, just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. Also, this story takes place at a time at which all characters shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18…_


	6. Twelve Labors of Kimcules

_AN: Three chapters going up at once this time – 12 Labors, 7 Faces of Dr. Ann and 8 Wrongsicks in a Duff Killigan Bag. None of them are exactly PC, but 8 is really… yeah, that kinda wrong. More unbelievably, the original goal of 99 is now just around the corner. So do I keep going…? Legal At Bottom… _

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CHAPTER 6

**THE TWELVE LABORS OF KIMCULES**

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1

Shego's eyes bugged, her senses reeled, and above all else, her sense of total wrongsickness went up exponentially as she stared at the intruders. "Do I even _want _to know?"

"Miss Possible has mononucleosis, so I'll be filling in for this mission," Mr. Barkin replied, looking surprisingly comfortable in Kim's spare mission uniform as he and Ron dropped from the air vents.

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2

Monkey' Fist's temper finally snapped as he glared at the manager of the hotel where the annual Bad Guys Banquet and Boozer was being held. "That rate is outrageous… and I know for a fact that that's fifty percent more than you charged any of the other villains!"

Not intimidated at all, the manager disdainfully raised one eyebrow and sniffed. "Perhaps that is because the OTHER villains do not consistently leave the walls of their restrooms covered in excrement, Lord Fiske."

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3

"Acch… nein… ow ow ow… aiiiiiiiiieee…. gyyyaaaaaaaa!" Like a cat being tortured, the female screams echoed through the hallways and cellblocks of the Middleton Penitentiary for Very, Very Bad Girls.

"Electronique and the showers, _never _a good combination," Adrena Lynne commented sadly.

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4

"Well, at least now we know what the problem with the gear train was," Henchco Henchman #37564 said with a queasy expression as the shredded and rather petrified remains of Henchman #14883, who'd been listed as AWOL for the last three months, were extracted from the caterpillar tread mechanism of Professor Dementor's gargantuan Langegenital Kampfpanzer of Doom.

Looking at how the ex-henchman had managed to get himself into almost every single cog and pulley, Dementor could only say one thing: "Jah, nothink gumz up se gearz like tossink a hench in za works."

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5

"I don't understand this… I must be missing something," Agent Will Du thought to himself, wondering why everyone else in the room had snickered when Dr. Director had gave him his current orders.:

"If you're going to be my number two, here's what I want you to do Du: go through these drawers and, work up with a process of elimination to void the crap that's got to come out, then come back and give me the poop on what you want to put in the waste receptacles." No, Will thought, as he ran her words back through his mind again and again, he still JUST didn't understand what was so funny about this shitty job... and it was starting to piss him off!

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6

"Truly, this is a brilliant idea that you have had, honorable Big Mike-san," the Sumo Ninja nodded.

Big Mike grinned back at his new 'twin.' "Hey, it just makes sense that we should pool our resources to get custom shirts made in our size, and if we can get Fat Albert and Juggernaut to join in, we can get an even bigger discount."

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7

Shego turned in terror, realizing too late what the lever in the blue fool's hand did. "No Doc, that's the emergency cleaning access port for the ship's bilge!"

"Oh poop," Drakken managed to squeak before being engulfed, his cleaver plot to sneak into the cruise liner and hold the celebrities on board for ransom being forever washed away as the shit hit his plan.

8

Ron's face curled up in disgust. "No way, it looks funny, smells like fish and you want me to put my mouth on that thing?"

"It's called sushi and it IS fish," Yori sighed, getting a wee bit testy with Ron's 'American Style Humour" as she continued to hold the scorpion roll out to the very picky Stoppable-san.

9

"Well, I suppose it had to happen eventually," Ron groaned, holding his nose as Kim flushed in embarrassment.

The blue mad scientist scowled up from behind his wrinkled paper at the two teenagers who had ALMOST come out of the air vent above him, "Yes, well, go out side and wait and we can pick up once I've washed my hands… I'm almost done with this article anyway."

10

"Holy crap, Kim, WTHITT?" Monique blushed as everyone and everything in the hallway froze, all eyes and ears trained on the school's cheer team captain and all around world saving hero type, waiting to see WHAT she could possibly do to explain that THING that had just tumbled out of her gym bag.

Slipping the twenty six inch hypersonic pickle of pleasure vibrator back in her mission case with the closest thing to an innocent smile she could manage, Kimberly Ann Possible decided to go for the 'big lie' and attempted to bluff her way through it. "It's a Light Saber and I've just been ordained as a Jedi."

11

"What do you mean you're refusing to take Shego?" Kim demanded of Officer Hobbie and the group of policewomen in confusion, the green woman's body still slung over her shoulder since NO ONE seemed to want to take charge of the prisoner.

In response, Hobbie motioned to the ladies, prison matrons all, who raised similarly bandaged hands. "Sorry Kim, but we've decided that you'll have to take her to Global Justice because _our _regulations state that every prisoner being checked into Maximum Security has to have a full cavity search, and last week Miss Plasma-pants here figured out a nasty new trick."

12

Kim attempted to blink innocently as she stared back across the table, where she'd been 'helping' her mother make guacamole for the Hospital Halloween party, which with the younger Possible's lack of kitchen skills meant basically 'sampling' the raw materials and work in progress . "Uh.. .what makes you think there's something going on between me and Shego?"

Ann Possible gave her daughter a knowing look. "First, its 'Shego and I,' dear, and as for why… in the last hour I've watched you hollow out sixteen avocados and twelve lime halves using nothing but your tongue, and if you think the tablecloth is hiding what your 'idle' hand is doing beneath it, you're quite mistaken."

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_**Ye Old Legal stuff:**__ Kim Possible, Shego, Ron Stoppable, Monkey Fist, Dr. Drakken, Dr. Ann Possible, Mr. Barkin, Monique, Yori,Big Mike, The Sumo Ninja, Will Du, Dr. Director,Professor Dementor, Electronique, Adrena Lynne, Officer Hobbie, the Henchco Henchmen and all other characters borrowed from the wonderful KP Universe are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Although use in this context may be considered fair under parody law, just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. Also, this story takes place at a time at which all characters shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18…_


	7. The Seven Faces of Dr Ann

_AN: This one's a little different… I started off with the same feed line and came up with seven different stories. It wasn't planned, I just kept thinking… no, wait, what if…? And yes, they get progressively wronger. Read at your own risk. Legal At Bottom… _

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CHAPTER 7 -

**THE SEVEN FACES OF DR. ANN**

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"But really, officer, they're good boys!" Ann Possible protested through her tears.

"Sorry ma'am, but your daughter and her girlfriend caught them videotaping them… um… sleeping… again, and this time they've decided to press charges," The officer shrugged as his partner escorted a handcuffed Ron and James Possible into the squad car.

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"But really, officer, they're good boys!" Ann Possible protested through her tears.

"Sorry ma'am, that might have been true BEFORE they started playing around with mutagenic chemicals, but they've already bitten three people and molested a poodle," The animal control officer shrugged as the rest of his team forced the two snarling 'mad dogs' that had been Jim and Tim Possible into the restraining cages in the van.

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"But really, officer, they're good boys!" Ann Possible protested through her tears.

"Sorry ma'am, but ever since your daughter and her green friend grew penises after that lab explosion, they've insisted on continuing to use the ladies rooms and we've just accumulated too many indecent exposure charges to ignore," the Vice Squad officer appologized.

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"But really, officer, they're good boys!" Ann Possible protested through her tears.

"Sorry ma'am, I don't care what you call them and I know it's uncomfortable, but you're overdue for your mammogram and I can't give you your good health discount if you don't have one," Ann's HMO care officer shrugged.

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"But really, officer, they're good boys!" Ann Possible protested through her tears.

"I think you mean good old boys, but that still doesn't mean your daughter can keep beating them up in bar fights and not expect to face the consequences," The officer sighed as he lead the woman back to pick up Kim from the drunk tank.

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"But really, officer, they're good boys!" Ann Possible protested through her tears.

"Yes, ma'am," I imagine they are... NOW," the child welfare officer sighed, noting that she hadn't said anything about the girl as his fellow officers unshackled the two boys and their sister from the wall of the hidden dungeon behind the Possible homestead.

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"But really, officer, they're good boys!" Ann Possible protested through her tears.

"And they're also underage, ma'am," The arresting officer sighed as he clamped the cuffs on the naked Mrs. Dr. Possible's wrists and led her from the room filled with the nude, satiated and completely spent Mad Dogs football team that the mother of the head cheerleader had just given a very unexpected Homecoming Victory bonus while her daughter was on a mission in Peru.

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**_Ye Old Legal stuff:_**_ Dr,. Ann Possible, Dr. James Possible, Kim Possible, Shego, Ron Stoppable, Jim and Tim Possible, The Middleton Mad Dog Football Team and all other characters borrowed from the wonderful KP Universe are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Although use in this context may be considered fair under parody law, just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. Also, this story takes place at a time at which all characters shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18…_


	8. Eight Wrongsicks in a Duff Killigan Bag

_AN: First, if you're coming in using the arrow, this is the third of three chapters in this update! Second, it says Wrongsick in the Chapter title, and I bloody well mean it. These are just gross, disgusting and, like most bathroom humor, pretty darn ridiculous. Here there be Lemons, ye have been warned. Legal At Bottom… _

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CHAPTER 8 -

**EIGHT WRONGSICKS IN A DUFF KILLIGAN BAG**

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1

Dark eyes fixed Kim in their sights, unwilling to compromise any longer. "Look, you're out of high school now and I refuse to keep up this charade we've maintained all just to spare his feelings… you have to tell him or I'm leaving…"

"I'll try, but you don't know how hard it is to tell him I've been sleeping with someone he hates all this time," Kim sniffed, knowing she could be watching Bo Bo slip his Pandaro costume back on for what could be the last time.

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2

Dr. Drakken looked at the clock and glared at his non-present cousin on other end of the phone. "Look, Eddie, I'm sure that the fact that you've met the girl of your dreams will make the rest of the family very happy, but I don't understand why you need me to come over at 4:00 in the morning to meet her!"

Motor Ed's voice came back uncharacteristically subdued and forlorn on the other end. "Um, look, her name is S.A.D.I. and she's not exactly a girl, and I need you to come over because you're a doctor and… um… I kinda got my crankshaft seriously stuck up her tailpipe."

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3

Stealthily, Shego slank into the vault-like room, located the hidden treasures, then slank out again with an expression of triumph, stuffing one of the pieces of forbidden fruit into her mouth as an expression of pure bliss suffused her face. "Mmmm!"

Kim Possible growled irritably at the uniformed man in front of her. "Look, something MUST be wrong with your washers, because there were TEN pairs of my panties in the laundry when I dropped it off, and now there are only FOUR!"

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4

"What... what do mean, my vagina reminds you of a young Roddy McDowell?" Shego gasped, staring down at the red haired cheerleader who was currently following up their last fight with a few extra licks... between Shego's trembling thighs.

How Kim managed to grin and talk around her still furiously lashing tongue was a mystery, but the red giving head had proven herself able to do just about anything (or anyone.) "Gosh Shego, you mean I'm really the first one to ever get down here and immediately think about 'How Green Was My Valley,' followed by "My Friend Flicka' and then a little 'Thunderhead?'"

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5

"So, anything's possible for a Possible, huh?" Shego demanded slyly, waiting for Kim's hesitant nod.

"Then let's see how you handle this little darling I call Godzilla," Shego grinned, pulling out a dildo modeled after her great grandfather's award winning zucchini and a jar of KY as she approached the VERY wide eyed bound, gagged and spreadeagled cheerleader

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6

Having finally worked up his nerve after years of lusting after his attractive green henchwoman, Drakken slipped into her room under the cover of darkness, slid into her bed and was stunned to find his attentions quickly returned in a most _oral _fashion that soon left the overjoyed madman's 'blue passion' fully spent. "Oh, Shego, I'd always hoped it would be like this someday!"

"Actually, I'm afraid Miss Go had a conflicting appointment at Kim Possible's house, so she asked me to substitute for her in the event that something came up," Mr. Barkin replied with a smile, reaching for the bottle of mineral water and the packet of tissues on the nightstand and kissing Drakken on the cheek.

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7

"Oh, you can come in and make your pitch, dearie, but I really rather doubt I'll be interested in those THINGS you're selling," DNAmy told the poor hapless door to door sex toy saleswoman who'd been assigned to work the large woman's area on her first day on the job.

Still, a satiated Bonnie Rockwaller reflected a short while later, it was very possible that the strange geneticist was on to something and that BonBon might be doing better to go independent and start selling a new product line. "So… you call this one a _Boa Tonguestrictor,_ this is a _French TeaserFish,_ that's a _Wet Headed Nipplepecker_ and this one is the _Anusconda,_ right?"

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8

"So, if I insert the magnetic pole here, you'll see how that changes the current fluctuation in the lightbulb Electronique is holding in her hand," the naked Mr. Barkin grunted as he applied the 'pole' in question to his very willing assistant.

His eyes as big as saucers, Ron turned to a very green-looking Kim as they and the rest of their class watched the huge man's demonstration of the use of control rods continue. "I don't care if it does save the school money, I think letting Barkin substitute teach both Advanced Physics and Human Sexuality at the same time is just a wrong sick idea."

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_**Ye Old Legal stuff:**__ Kim Possible, Shego, Ron Stoppable, BoBo, Motor Ed, SADI, Bonnie Rockwaller, Dr. Drakken, DNAmy, Mr. Barkin, Electronique and all other characters borrowed from the wonderful KP Universe are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Although use in this context may be considered fair under parody law, just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. Also, this story takes place at a time at which all characters shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18…_


	9. The Whole Ten Kims

_AN: Well, I originally challenged myself to do 99 of these. Discounting the one half from Nine and A Half Kims, this one does it. But is this the end? Oh, read on and you'll see! And yes, I indulged myself in final countdown numbering this time. Legal At Bottom… _

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CHAPTER 9 -

**THE WHOLE TEN KIMS**

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90

"You may think you're hot Princess, but I'm so good that I've been sneaking into your room every night for the last week, and as proof I've got this thing you've been sleeping with." Shego grinned as she dropped the Pandaroo she'd purloined onto the warehouse floor in front of the teen hero… but, much to her puzzlement, the redhead didn't seem upset at all… in fact, she was grinning!

"If you were as good as you think Shego, you would have noticed that was an animatronic dummy of me and while you were sneaking in my house, I've been sneaking into your room at Drakken's lair… and speaking of sleeping with things, as MY proof I have YOUR birth control pills, which I've been swapping out with sugar tablets for the past SIX months!" Holding out the pills in question, Kim was quite pleased to see Shego's pale face go even paler just before the green villain gasped and fell over on the floor in a dead faint.

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91

"Yep, I gotta hand it to Joss, sometime's it just takes a new generation to figure out how to make an old idea profitable." Slim bragged to his brother James as they watched Kim's cousin make her first million only three hours into the very first day of business for her new enterprise.

"I mean, nobody wanted to buy my robot horses 'cause it was cheaper to buy or rent the real thing, but give 'em giggly little voices, shorter legs and cover 'em with colored flocking and day-glo colored hair, and we can't make the darn things fast enough!" Slim gushed as they looked in awe at the line of hundreds of seven year old girls and teenage 'Bronie' boys still waiting in line to fulfill their very own fantasy of owning a My Little Pony-bot from Possible Pony Express.

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92

"I'll tell!" Duff Killigan screamed in terror, knowing he had crossed the line by threatening innocent children, but still unable to believe that Kim Possible had actually resorted to… this… in order to extract the information from him!

"Then you'd better start telling me how to disarm the bombs you planted in all those preschools, or am I going to have to pull this trigger and see if I can pull it directly out of your brain by way of your ass," Kim growled as her fingers tightened on the trigger of her hairdryer grappler, the loaded end of which was currently wedged about six inches up the villain's rectum.

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93

As the fans booed as the Middleton Mad Dogs left the field in disgrace, Mr. Barkin pulled Ron aside. "I'm sorry Stoppable, but while it was fine when you weren't being caught, now that everyone knows, I've got no choice but to kick you off the team for good."

"I guess we both got kicked off permanently then," Ron sighed, having known this was coming ever since the last field goal attempt had had revealed to the whole world that the REAL secret of Middleton's recent string of winning games had been the Mole-Rat hiding within Ron's shoulder pads… who had unfortunately just been drop-kicked for three points in a terrible case of mistaken identity.

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94

Sweat running down his face, Ron felt the words start to flow out of him. "It started on the missions, and then it started happening at work, and now it happens all the time, so it must be some kind of curse I picked up during our adventures."

The oddly named Dr. Jackson shook his head and replied with his strange east European accent. "No, Mr. Stoppable, you must stop using these curses and monkey powers and other such nonsense as excuses and see the facts for what they are… your pants do not simply fall down, you set them up to fall by leaving them unbuttoned because you are a closet exhibitionist."

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95

"Dear, how many times have I asked you not to do that where the kids might see you?" Ann requested as she slapped the offending hand back with a fly swatter.

With an embarrassed face, 'James Possible' retracted the arm that had just stretched impossibly across the table to pick up the orange juice ten feet away. "That's easy for you to say when you can just turn invisible darling, but eventually they're going to realize that Kim inherited your force field and put it together with the facts that they've never met your brother Johnny or my best friend Ben." *

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96

Chef Pierre Du Dockes, head of the prestigious Cuisine De Hoititoiti looked at the surprisingly un-thrilled young man who had just stumbled into, and won, the school's annual cooking competition 'by accident.' "Now, before we can geeve you za scholarship and zee cash prize of one hundred thousand Euros, you must recite for us ze recipe for your winning entre."

Lower lip trembling, a gloomy Ron Stoppable began. "First, take one naked mole rat…"

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97

As a disgusted Electronique headed for the front door of the cheap bar he'd chosen for their date, Motor Ed called out loudly. "Whoa, babe, you're seriously going to leave our bodacious date without 'rewarding' me for my efforts?"

Ed stared in confusion as the blue woman turned back and pretended to hand him a baseball sized invisible object. "Zere you go, ze reward for un evening spent vatching you play air geeitar mit yourself is a night mit mine air vagina."

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98

"See, I TOLD you that you could find a productive way to use your abilities if you just put your mind to it," Kim gloated with her usual 'I was right and you were wrong' smugness.

Wangling a flopping wiener in each hand, the green lederhosen clad Shego simply glared at her former archrival. "Look, do you want me to fry up these Lucky Leprechaun Dogs for you or not, Princess?"

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99!

"Cat Girl you idiot, CAT girl, change me back NOW!" Shego screamed in terror as the results of Drakken's latest attempt to utilize DNAmy's technology went even more unpredictably awry than usual.

"Oh, she's going to be SO pissed," a stunned Ron whispered, turning to an equally shocked Kim with a 'what can you do' look as his pocket rodent continued to do what male rodents will do with the suddenly available and shrieking green female of his species.

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_Whoa! __Counting__ the__ '__half__' __that__'__s__ actually __99.5__ two __liners,__ which __means __I__'__ve__ done__ over__ 111__ of__ these__ counting __the__ twelve__ in __EVEN__ ODDER,__ and__ they __STILL__ keep__ coming __to__ me__… __So__ while __I __AM __wrapping__ 99__ BONMOTS__ at t__he __planned__ 99 ,__get __ready__ for__ the__ sequel/followup/whatever__you__want__to__call__it,__** ON**__** BEYOND **__**WRONG SICK,**__ starting__ VERY__ soon._

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_**Ye Old Legal stuff:**__ Kim Possible, Shego, Ron Stoppable, Rufus, Motor Ed, Electronique, Slim Possible, Joss Possible, Dr. Drakken, DNAmy, Mr. Barkin, Dr. Ann Possible, Dr. James Possible and all other characters borrowed from the wonderful KP Universe are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Although use in this context may be considered fair under parody law, just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. Also, this story takes place at a time at which all characters shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18…_

(* And PS - yes, I know this means the kid's have at least one or two more siblings... not sure how to count Valeria... but wouldn't that make an interesting story on its own?)


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